Miss you so bad

I have cried most of the day. It's all like a bad dream. I know you're gone and that you are much better off, but the selfish part of me wants you here with me.

Yesterday, I watched as most of your family and some friends sat and listened to some man (who has most likely never even met you before), talk about you. I wanted to scream out that so much of what he was saying wasn't true. He talked about the plaque I had given you years ago and quoted the verses that were on it.

In between his talking, songs were played. The second song they played was Free Bird. I kind of chuckled a little. I have been listening to that song for what, 30 years or something? I heard it clearer for the first time yesterday. It's like you wrote it yourself. You really couldn't change could you baby? I know you wanted to. I know you tried.

God, I miss you so much. How can I do this now? It was the hope of our future that always helped me get through, but now the hope is gone. The only way we will be reunited now is when I die.

I miss your smell, your hands and how you kissed me. I miss your goofy cliches that I always hated. I miss how you did stuff just because you had to. You never complained about having to go to work or cutting the grass or having to give me my shots because I was to chicken to give them to myself. I miss how when you came home from work the first thing you always did was give me a little kiss and say "Hey my baby doll". You never complained when I didn't feel like cooking and would just fix Hamburger Helper. You never fussed when you'd come home and nothing had been done because I stayed in the pool all day. You just said that's why we got it, for me to enjoy.

The search is over. Sobriety has found you. I hope you are now at peace and your demons finally silent. I'm sorry you were alone for so long. I hope you didn't suffer. But I guess you had suffered for 46 long years. Being controlled even from the grave. Now you have an eternity to work out your differences. Somehow I always thought you would get healthy and come back. Remember? Our happily ever after? I think now you understand why I couldn't stay. I never wanted to leave you, but at the same time I couldn't allow you to destroy me. It had nothing to do with my love for you. That never ever changed. I've missed you for so long. Now I can talk to you anytime I want. I guess ours was always meant to be a tragic love story.