I'm just numb

I'm just going through the motions now. Not living. I'm just here. Only God knows why. I truly want to be happy, I really do. I have most everything I could ever ask for. I think, for the most part, my family loves me. My grand kids adore me. But I'm just dead inside. I feel joy when I'm with my angels. Not much else though. I just feel numb most of the time. I think people think I'm strange cause I talk about you as if we were just together like at dinner or something. If anyone heard me in my house, they'd lock me up. Because of all the conversations I have with you everyday. I wish I were with you. Things are just so messed up. So much is happening. I need you, my love. I really do. How can I do this without you?

Letters to Drew

Well, yesterday I learned all the facts about your death. Last night I saw your family for the first time in quite a while. I think your baby took it harder than your oldest. I guess because she has not seen or talked to you in so long. I saw a lot of our friends and some that you never claimed as friends. Your baby sister could not come, but all the rest of your siblings were there.

Your casket was draped with an American flag. Your military picture and many other pictures were there too. There was a video playing on the big screen t.v. that hung on the wall. There were no pictures of us together, but plenty of you and "stupid".

I got to meet Rebecca. She was everything you said. She was so glad to see all of "her" kids again. I introduced myself and told her how you always spoke of her and how much you loved her. She said now you would not have to remember all the horrible things from your childhood.

Your mom seems more fragile than I have ever seen her be. I worry that she will be next. Her sole purpose was to take care of you. I know she is very strong, but she has been through so much.

I feel so guilty that I was not there. That I had left. I don't know if it would have made a difference or not. At least you would have not been there so long before being found. I don't think you were there by yourself. Everything I was told about how the house looked didn't seem right. Was someone there, got scared and left?

Did you plan this out? I know about everything that led up to that day. Was it getting to hard to keep the demons at bay? None of it was your fault. You were just a little kid. You didn't do anything that warranted the sadistic way he treated you. You should have been loved, nurtured and protected.

Time Moves On

It's been three years and yet I still cry out for you. I'm not doing to good these days. God, how I miss you. My bedroom looks like a shrine to you. At least some of my family thinks so. Your baby girl is expecting another little one. I can't bring myself to go see the first one...your namesake. I cry just looking at pictures of her. She's been here for nearly a year and I haven't seen her once. I haven't seen Chelsea either. I'm sorry. I know you want me to, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Dammit, man!! You should be here!! I can't do this by myself! Sometimes I'm so mad at you. You freaking promised me! I swear to you, I try so hard. I've always heard it gets easier as time goes on. Whoever said that was a damn liar! It doesn't get easier, it gets harder. Every f#$king day!! Everything is so messed up!! I need you, Drew!! I don't have anybody to talk to about it all. You always knew just what to say. Now....there's no one.