Well, last night I went shopping for your babies new baby. Yes, of course, I went overboard. Would you have expected anything else? Just be glad that you didn't have to go shopping with me. I still remember how you hated to shop with me. Remember our first Thanksgiving together? No furniture, not much silverware, just us and a pallet on the floor.
You know I had to find the absolute perfect thing. I only got some onesies, (because it's hotter than hell around here until Christmas), a super soft blanket, (don't worry, I'm making one for each of them), a toy, some cute little bootie socks and something for your beautiful namesake. And yes, you know I got something for baby Serena. Actually, I got her and baby Drew the same outfit only in different colors. I got me a dress too. I think you'd like it. I've lost almost 30 pounds now. It's been tough, but I'm really trying to do better. I remember how you used to tell me how beautiful I was no matter what my size was. I never believed you, but it was sweet just the same.
I'm really trying not to be mad at you anymore. Some days I just don't think that I'll make it through. You promised me that I'd never be alone. That you'd get better and we would have what we had wanted since we were 18 and 19 years old. I still miss you so damn bad. It's like you just left us yesterday. My friends and family think that maybe its time to change my bedroom into a bedroom instead of a shrine to you. I don't know if I will ever be able to take down all my Drew stuff. I've love you for most of my life. How could I just tuck you in a drawer? We were apart for nearly 21 years before being able to rekindle our love. Only until we are reunited again, I will be alone for the rest of my days on this earth. I've been asked so many times about "us". All I can ever say is we fought hard and loved even harder. I know you would have never hurt me like you did, if you were not hurting yourself.
I've sent a message to Chelsea apologizing for not being there. It's just every time I see them, all I can see is you. Damn those Hamlet genes!!!! As far as I can tell, your girls are doing pretty well. I know you want me to carry on as if you were here, but holy hell baby, do you know what you're asking of me?
Stupid is driving her nuts. I wish I had enough room for her to come and live here with me. But as you know, I live in a hole now and I would never put your babies someplace like this. I don't even want me to be in a place like this. It truly is the worst place I have ever lived in my life.
Even now, in the darkness of my room, I can see you smiling at me. It's the picture from your "celebration of life" program. God how I miss you Drew. Every night it's like I'm waiting for you to come strolling through the door with that look on your face. But, you never do. If all the tears I cry each day could somehow let me see you, I would have never been apart from you. I've recently been thinking about giving Chelsea the link to this page. What do you think?
This is so not how it was supposed to be baby. You promised!! I still can't figure out what I'm supposed to do without you. (I know, right?!) I must be pretty slow. I just can't seem to let go of our dream. You were always my happily ever after. Now what? If you had asked me years back who would go first? I would have said me. Most likely by my own hand, but still it would have always been me. You were always the strong one. You could always just come up behind me while I was cooking and wrap your arms around me and I knew everything would be fine. Now, I have all of our secrets to keep. The depression just envelops me most days. You know, you remember.
I love you baby....then, now and forever. Stay close by me. I really need those arms around me now.
Tomorrow, after work, I will go see "our" girls. Remember laying in bed at night talking about all our plans/dreams for them? Remember Do, Pa and PeePee? We still laugh about that. I'm trying to make you proud of your baby doll.
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