Anger Has Set In

I'm trying not to be mad at you, but failing badly.  I'm really struggling. You always knew just what to say. I need to hear your voice, your words of wisdom. I need to feel you, taste you, smell you. I fucking need you to be here with me. You fucking promised!! So much is happening. The babies are in a bad place. Help me, dammit, help me, now!!! I don't know what to do. I'm totally alone here. I'm falling apart, little by little. Piece by piece, I'm slipping further away. I wish this life would just end already. Haven't I put in enough "time" by now? It's getting harder and harder to put on this mask everyday. I feel like such a liar. If I show my true self, it will end badly. I try to be strong, for you, for your girl, for your babies. I need a soft place to fall. I need someone else to be strong for me. I found out that you were murdered. It all makes more sense now. I knew you wouldn't take your own life. Your old neighbor won't come forward. He's scared he'll be next because of what he witnessed. He said you saved his life, by telling him to go inside. That something bad was about to go down. One of your murderers was found dead. I don't know about the other one(s). I wish I could get the police to take another look, but they just won't. Since he won't come forward, it's all just hearsay. I hope you died quickly and didn't lay there suffering. I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. God will get the others that had a hand in your murder. This is so not how all of this was supposed to play out. We had our whole lives mapped out. You being murdered was not a part of that plan. I'm trying to help your babies. I may get them to live with me, just temporarily.  They are not safe where they are now. If you have any pull up there with the big guy, please put in a good word so they can at least be safe. I don't have a clue how we'll make it work, but you know I'll do whatever is necessary to make sure they are safe and loved. Right now they are in a drug house. It's really bad baby. Stupid is worse than ever. I think she has truly fried her brain. None of the family seems to want to help. Your baby girl is trying to truly do the right thing and the other one is lying her ass off. (As always, trying to make herself look good). I'm sure you are sorely disappointed in her disgraceful behavior, but are so very proud of your youngest. She's really amazing. She's a wonderful mother and I love her more everyday.  I feel closer to her than my own child. Well, my cocktail is kicking in, so I guess I'm off to sleep now. I miss you more than ever, baby. Everyone says it will get easier as time goes by. I'm still waiting. So far, it's only gotten harder. The love I feel for you is stronger than the day I fell in love with you. I don't think I will ever be able to love anyone again. I've tried to date someone. We went out just a few times, but it just wasn't you. You were all I ever wanted and no one will ever take your place. I hate being alone, but if I can't be with you then alone is all that's left. All my love to you Drew.