Sorry I’ve not written to you. We finally have a grandson!! Can you believe it?! He’s 2 months old. There’s been so much death, as you know. Some days I just don’t want to keep breathing. I can’t seem to grasp what’s going on around me. Everything seems to blur together. Do you realize it’s been like 10 years or more since I last saw your face? I think I see you all the time, but of course it’s not you. I’ve not been home in 5 weeks. I want to so badly, but I just can’t. I was thinking today that maybe I should go home tomorrow. It’s as good a day as any. Right? I’ve come to the realization that I’m going to spend the rest of my life alone. There’s been no one since you and I’m not sure I want there to be. I miss you so badly. Sometimes I smell you and turn around to see if you’re standing behind me. I can still remember your taste. I’d give anything to look into your beautiful green eyes once more. I don’t want to be here anymore. It gets harder everyday to put that mask on. I’m exhausted from hiding my true feelings, what I truly live through every single day. I need you. I need you to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be alright. As far as I know, all of our kids are good. We have 6 grandchildren now. 4 beautiful girls and one gorgeous baby boy. Some days I get so angry at you for leaving me like you did. I often wonder if I’d stayed if you’d be here. Although if I’d stayed, we may have both been murdered. I tried so hard to help you. You know I only wanted you to be home with us. I had to leave. I just had to. I couldn’t take the abuse any longer and if I’d stayed you would have taken me down with you.

I’m sorry I’m just rambling. I’m exhausted. I love you and miss you so very much my love. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

I've not written in quite a while. You know why. Please forgive me. Seems your youngest is just like you. She played me like a fiddle. She's trying to get it together now, though. I hope she makes it. Your grand babies are so beautiful. You would a be absolutely smitten. Of course, they all look like you. There's no mistake who they belong to. Your genes were always more prominent.

I see you everywhere. Of course, when it's not you, my heart just sinks. I still think about us and all the plans we used to make. Remember laying in bed laughing and sharing our dreams? We were so in sync. We were so good together. We did have a lot of fun, didn't we? Luckily for both of us, my heart is starting to forget the bad, of which I know there was a lot. It messed me up for a very long time. Nearly 10 years to be exact. I've actually been talking to an old friend of ours, Rabbit. Don't worry, he's not the same as he used to be. He walked away over 20 years ago. He's done quite well for himself, it seems.

I gotta go baby. I love you with all my heart. Yesterday, today and forever. 💋

It's Gotten Bad Baby

You would be so ashamed of how your eldest is acting. We all knew she was capable of a lot of stuff, but even you would be shocked at her behavior. It's like she has no conscious whatsoever.

Stupid has completely lost it and the rest of them act like they just don't care. I would have never believed it. They always acted so tight, like they would always be there for each other. Guess it was just for show.

I'm going to try to get a bigger place for us and the babies. Honestly, I'm pretty nervous about the whole thing, but I absolutely MUST do something. They are not safe where they are now. It's incredible to me that DSS would allow them to be living in a drug house.

It infuriates me that you got yourself killed over something so stupid. Why couldn't you have just kept your promise? We were supposed to grow old together surrounded by lots of grandbabies.

I could really use some words of wisdom right now. I'm wearing my knees out praying for answers. So far I've gotten nothing. But you know how I believe in the power of prayer, so I won't give up.

I wish that reincarnation was real and you could somehow find your way back to me.

I miss you like crazy and love you even more. I was and will always be, your baby doll.

Anger Has Set In

I'm trying not to be mad at you, but failing badly.  I'm really struggling. You always knew just what to say. I need to hear your voice, your words of wisdom. I need to feel you, taste you, smell you. I fucking need you to be here with me. You fucking promised!! So much is happening. The babies are in a bad place. Help me, dammit, help me, now!!! I don't know what to do. I'm totally alone here. I'm falling apart, little by little. Piece by piece, I'm slipping further away. I wish this life would just end already. Haven't I put in enough "time" by now? It's getting harder and harder to put on this mask everyday. I feel like such a liar. If I show my true self, it will end badly. I try to be strong, for you, for your girl, for your babies. I need a soft place to fall. I need someone else to be strong for me. I found out that you were murdered. It all makes more sense now. I knew you wouldn't take your own life. Your old neighbor won't come forward. He's scared he'll be next because of what he witnessed. He said you saved his life, by telling him to go inside. That something bad was about to go down. One of your murderers was found dead. I don't know about the other one(s). I wish I could get the police to take another look, but they just won't. Since he won't come forward, it's all just hearsay. I hope you died quickly and didn't lay there suffering. I'm sorry I wasn't there with you. God will get the others that had a hand in your murder. This is so not how all of this was supposed to play out. We had our whole lives mapped out. You being murdered was not a part of that plan. I'm trying to help your babies. I may get them to live with me, just temporarily.  They are not safe where they are now. If you have any pull up there with the big guy, please put in a good word so they can at least be safe. I don't have a clue how we'll make it work, but you know I'll do whatever is necessary to make sure they are safe and loved. Right now they are in a drug house. It's really bad baby. Stupid is worse than ever. I think she has truly fried her brain. None of the family seems to want to help. Your baby girl is trying to truly do the right thing and the other one is lying her ass off. (As always, trying to make herself look good). I'm sure you are sorely disappointed in her disgraceful behavior, but are so very proud of your youngest. She's really amazing. She's a wonderful mother and I love her more everyday.  I feel closer to her than my own child. Well, my cocktail is kicking in, so I guess I'm off to sleep now. I miss you more than ever, baby. Everyone says it will get easier as time goes by. I'm still waiting. So far, it's only gotten harder. The love I feel for you is stronger than the day I fell in love with you. I don't think I will ever be able to love anyone again. I've tried to date someone. We went out just a few times, but it just wasn't you. You were all I ever wanted and no one will ever take your place. I hate being alone, but if I can't be with you then alone is all that's left. All my love to you Drew.

More letters to you....Drew, the love of my life

Well, last night I went shopping for your babies new baby. Yes, of course, I went overboard. Would you have expected anything else? Just be glad that you didn't have to go shopping with me. I still remember how you hated to shop with me.  Remember our first Thanksgiving together? No furniture, not much silverware, just us and a pallet on the floor.

You know I had to find the absolute perfect thing. I only got some onesies, (because it's hotter than hell around here until Christmas), a super soft blanket, (don't worry, I'm making one for each of them), a toy, some cute little bootie socks and something for your beautiful namesake. And yes, you know I got something for baby Serena. Actually, I got her and baby Drew the same outfit only in different colors. I got me a dress too. I think you'd like it. I've lost almost 30 pounds now. It's been tough, but I'm really trying to do better. I remember how you used to tell me how beautiful I was no matter what my size was. I never believed you, but it was sweet just the same.

I'm really trying not to be mad at you anymore. Some days I just don't think that I'll make it through. You promised me that I'd never be alone. That you'd get better and we would have what we had wanted since we were 18 and 19 years old.  I still miss you so damn bad. It's like you just left us yesterday. My friends and family think that maybe its time to change my bedroom into a bedroom instead of a shrine to you. I don't know if I will ever be able to take down all my Drew stuff. I've love you for most of my life. How could I just tuck you in a drawer? We were apart for nearly 21 years before being able to rekindle our love.  Only until we are reunited again, I will be alone for the rest of my days on this earth. I've been asked so many times about "us". All I can ever say is we fought hard and loved even harder. I know you would have never hurt me like you did, if you were not hurting yourself.

I've sent a message to Chelsea apologizing for not being there. It's just every time I see them, all I can see is you. Damn those Hamlet genes!!!! As far as I can tell, your girls are doing pretty well.  I know you want me to carry on as if you were here, but holy hell baby, do you know what you're asking of me?

Stupid is driving her nuts. I wish I had enough room for her to come and live here with me. But as you know, I live in a hole now and I would never put your babies someplace like this. I don't even want me to be in a place like this. It truly is the worst place I have ever lived in my life.

Even now, in the darkness of my room, I can see you smiling at me. It's the picture from your "celebration of life" program. God how I miss you Drew. Every night it's like I'm waiting for you to come strolling through the door with that look on your face. But, you never do. If all the tears I cry each day could somehow let me see you, I would have never been apart from you. I've recently been thinking about giving Chelsea the link to this page. What do you think?

This is so not how it was supposed to be baby. You promised!! I still can't figure out what I'm supposed to do without you. (I know, right?!) I must be pretty slow. I just can't seem to let go of our dream. You were always my happily ever after. Now what? If you had asked me years back who would go first? I would have said me. Most likely by my own hand, but still it would have always been me. You were always the strong one. You could always just come up behind me while I was cooking and wrap your arms around me and I knew everything would be fine. Now, I have all of our secrets to keep. The depression just envelops me most days. You know, you remember.

I love you baby....then, now and forever. Stay close by me. I really need those arms around me now.

Tomorrow, after work, I will go see "our" girls. Remember laying in bed at night talking about all our plans/dreams for them? Remember Do, Pa and PeePee? We still laugh about that. I'm trying to make you proud of your baby doll.

I'm just numb

I'm just going through the motions now. Not living. I'm just here. Only God knows why. I truly want to be happy, I really do. I have most everything I could ever ask for. I think, for the most part, my family loves me. My grand kids adore me. But I'm just dead inside. I feel joy when I'm with my angels. Not much else though. I just feel numb most of the time. I think people think I'm strange cause I talk about you as if we were just together like at dinner or something. If anyone heard me in my house, they'd lock me up. Because of all the conversations I have with you everyday. I wish I were with you. Things are just so messed up. So much is happening. I need you, my love. I really do. How can I do this without you?

Letters to Drew

Well, yesterday I learned all the facts about your death. Last night I saw your family for the first time in quite a while. I think your baby took it harder than your oldest. I guess because she has not seen or talked to you in so long. I saw a lot of our friends and some that you never claimed as friends. Your baby sister could not come, but all the rest of your siblings were there.

Your casket was draped with an American flag. Your military picture and many other pictures were there too. There was a video playing on the big screen t.v. that hung on the wall. There were no pictures of us together, but plenty of you and "stupid".

I got to meet Rebecca. She was everything you said. She was so glad to see all of "her" kids again. I introduced myself and told her how you always spoke of her and how much you loved her. She said now you would not have to remember all the horrible things from your childhood.

Your mom seems more fragile than I have ever seen her be. I worry that she will be next. Her sole purpose was to take care of you. I know she is very strong, but she has been through so much.

I feel so guilty that I was not there. That I had left. I don't know if it would have made a difference or not. At least you would have not been there so long before being found. I don't think you were there by yourself. Everything I was told about how the house looked didn't seem right. Was someone there, got scared and left?

Did you plan this out? I know about everything that led up to that day. Was it getting to hard to keep the demons at bay? None of it was your fault. You were just a little kid. You didn't do anything that warranted the sadistic way he treated you. You should have been loved, nurtured and protected.